Learning how to set boundaries.
Boundaries have been my greatest challenge. Mostly learning to not only set them but also to hold them (guilt-free). Being raised in a Latiné family where, culturally, boundaries are mostly non-existent, I learned to accept a lot of things that I was not okay with. This led to me dealing with the emotional overwhelm that would eventually occur later alone, in isolation. Perhaps that is why my hyperindependecy developed and why I am like a feral wild animal anytime someone attempts to soothe me. I do not vocally protest, but my body language speaks volumes (to those who can abscond their vanity and need to be a saviour for a moment). I prefer to tend to my wounds alone, away from prying eyes and sympathy-infused conversations. I am not claiming this like a badge of honour, I am merely acknowledging the parts of myself that offer fertile soil for growth.
Monday morning an incident occurred where my boundaries were crossed. At the time, I didn’t realise why I was angry; however, I was cognizant that it was most likely due to some boundary of mine being crossed. Not one to react emotionally if there is no danger (I prefer to save the dramatics for the professionals), I shut down, plastered on my smile, and distanced myself to offer myself the space to work through what was going on internally. This took about two full days. I imagine it would have been sooner, however, I was at university all-day Monday until 4pm, slothed along in traffic for an additional 90minutes to travel the 17miles back to the house, followed by a full workday in a middle school the next day until 3pm. With this, I had to find moments where I could process my feelings.
This first began with an angry cry of frustration, more for myself than the other person. Frustrated how, after so many years on this Earth, and the violence I’ve had to overcome, I still could not stand up and stop someone in the moment and say: “do not speak to me that way.” I can do it with people I am familiar with, but I still struggle with strangers.
This led to another cry. This cry was acknowledging that I still am (initially) afraid of men. Not all men, just men who overpower women. It’s not their fault. Most likely how they were raised, the messages they received in the media, etc. Unfortunately, I have multiple experiences of being overpowered, verbally and physically. I wish men could understand how vulnerable women are in comparison to them. How, even if we get “beefed up,” if there were a man stronger than us, it doesn’t matter how hard we try, our physiological bodies are built differently. The muscle mass, hormones, and so many other biological factors play into how the Y chromosome’s power subjugates the X chromosome.
I learned this harsh fact through experience 14 years ago. Since, I have been fighting and doing deep internal work when I chose to continue to live. I sought to gain back that feeling that was violently taken away from me: safety. What a privilege it is to only have to worry about money, what many see as safety in the modern world. I wonder how many have ever had a prolonged time of feeling unsafe. Jumping at every small noise. Unable to sit still, watching all the doors and windows, unable to sit with your back to anyone. Constantly on high alert, waiting. It is exhausting.
I do not offer this for sympathy (I could think of nothing worse). I offer this for education. It is important to keep in mind that although it may appear as I am sharing much, it is a very tiny, miniscule part - not even the tip of the iceberg. The reason behind the offering is to lay the foundational understanding of my processing point of origin. It is an attempt to provide an educational example of identifying what is happening within when a boundary has been crossed. As well as identifying boundaries you may not have been aware of, until they were breached.
I am grateful for the opportunity to learn how to set and reset boundaries when they are encroached. It allows me the opportunity to identify when someone is infringing upon it more quickly, bringing the opportunity to address and re-affirm my boundary in the present moment. Perhaps now is an opportunity for you to reflect on your own boundaries, identifying your emotional or physiological reactions that occur when they are crossed. It may also be an opportunity to learn about how you set and re-affirm your boundaries in the present moment. Regardless, remember to give yourself grace. I have found we can be a better source of compassion when we are equally able to offer it to ourselves.
With love,
M x