One year later
One year later, and much has changed. A year ago, I was on my final January weekend residential for my post-graduate course in person-centered counselling. The state of mind I was in, I was conscious that it was probably going to be my last weekend with everyone. I hoped not but, something on a cellular level told me this was the case.
I smile as I reflect on how I spent the eve of January 21st, 2023. It was elective time, and emotionally I was already feeling battered and tender, I did not have the energy to participate in any of the options. I offered a third yoga/meditative option (as I had done on previous residentials). Three others agreed to join me, the rest breaking off into their respective choices. As much as I love encounter groups, my soul was already weary and needed rest, relaxation, and comfort. My friend, Sana, and I knew that we wanted to relax and do nothing. One group member decided to take time to themselves, and the other decided to go for a walk alone.
Sana and I got in our comfy clothes then laughed, chatted, spilled drinks, and had an incredible time in my room. In that moment I realised that, from the very beginning, she was always a good friend. I regretted having not spent more time with her or taking her up more regularly on her offers to meet up in Edinburgh. Despite this, I am grateful for the realisation. I have since rectified this, and we keep in touch via WhatsApp. I am also incredibly grateful she travelled to California to celebrate her birthday. I now have the beautiful memory of spending a day and a half at a Buddhist Monastery in the San Diego mountains with her. We drank tea, chatted, and enjoyed the experience of serving the monks food in the morning before we left (after we helped with chores, of course). I am grateful for her friendship. When at a low, deeply struggling re-integrating back into the US, Sana offered me courage and love, reminding me of all I have to offer and all I have accomplished despite not receiving my post-graduate counselling diploma. Even now, tears fill my eyes as I am in awe of how beautiful beings are, and how we love each other when those we care for are wounded. I may not be so lucky in romantic love but, in platonic love, I am rich.
I recall after Sana left my room that night that it would be the last night I would be spending at The Moorings in Motherwell. Again, I can’t explain it but, I knew. I knew the next day I would ask the director to allow me to physically leave the course early, having completed all that was required, missing one, possibly two days, returning for the residentials, however, I had no idea the response I would receive. Many in my group thought surely it would not be an issue but, viewing the discomfort my group supervisor was in, it prepared me for the “no,” that I received the next afternoon. It hurt and I cried however, what hurt most was the response of classmates who I thought would understand, and they didn’t. It’s okay, I cannot please everyone. At that moment, I was hurting deeply, and I felt my mental health was in a very dangerous place so, I made the best choice for my well-being. I have no regrets.
One year later, I feel peaceful about the result. When in Scotland last month, I did call the director to ask to consider allowing me to finish my course. I would just need to submit my case study and the final paper to sum it all up. It was not a no but, it was also not an immediate yes. After we got off the phone, I was blessed with incredible clarity. Standing in my bedroom, gazing at the trees, I knew that it did not matter whether I had the certificate or not. I was trying to micromanage again, not trusting. The act of surrender is a daily practice.
The day before I flew back to California, I called my Uncle. At heart, I need very little to be joyful. I love and appreciate the simple things: the outdoors, good food, and a small, but loving community fulfill and enrich my soul. A part of me wanted to leave my current program, travel back to Scotland, pick up my old program, and work towards setting up that donation-based counselling centre in the Highlands that I aspired to do. My uncle loved me from afar through conversation, heard my feelings, understood them, and got it completely. Having spent three years in the Peace Corps, he knew the struggle of re-assimilating to life in not only Los Angeles but also a capitalist-driven culture. The only thing he said in favour of my return to living in the States was: “I see how much you are thriving here.” So caught up in grad school, I hadn’t noticed. I was just being but, he is right. I have met incredible new friends and had amazing experiences with family and my nieces and nephews. Everything has flowed, without resistance and, that is a new experience for me. Naturally, I would not trust it.
I am not saying that I will stay here permanently. My heart is in the mountains and the Scottish Highlands are my heaven on Earth. However, for the time being, I will complete my Masters and for the first time attend my university graduation next year. Where I pursue my Doctorate is still to be decided. It is incredible what can happen in a year.
May you notice where you are thriving, regardless of your current outlook.
With love,
M x