Grace
Grace, although it can seem to have a universal meaning, could look different for everyone. I view grace as a subtle act of love. Grace is when given the choice to respond in anger, I choose to respond with understanding and love. I offer grace when being continually verbally attacked in the moment, I choose to not accept the invitation to an argument (for my own piece of mind) and remain silent. I have found there are moments where words are necessary and moments when powerful silence reigns. The challenge is in pausing to assess which is the more prudent option.
In a previous blog, I wrote of setting boundaries. Prior to setting the boundary, I was very aware of the possibility of it all going pear-shaped. A reformed people-pleaser, I am still quite new at setting boundaries. Perhaps my delivery is a bit clunkier than I thought. Although the conversation went well and their words intimated that all would be well, I was not so naïve to not anticipate how grief could present itself. I knew their actions would speak volumes. There was a death of the way things were. It does not mean that it cannot offer the opportunity of new growth and a healthier way of being, however, everyone handles grief differently. I accept this and would never seek to blame someone for feeling their feelings. At the end of the day, everyone is allowed that grace: to feel their feelings.
Unfortunately, being a conduit for this ideal can come with consequences. Choosing love and grace over anger is a daily choice made moment by moment. The anger presents itself, of course, however, it manifests in tears. Tears of grief that someone chose the easier route to attack with their anger than the more challenging route of love and curiosity. It must be a tender wound to choose to continually terrorize someone when they do not give you the response you want. I understand the need for the anger response to be matched, there is an element of safety in knowing what is happening within the depths of their psyche. Perhaps that is why some choose to keep pressing and pushing, wading into the depths of cruelty. When they get the response they are expecting, it provides the illusion of some control. However, that is all it is, an illusion.
Some time ago, I learned that whenever I am angry it is because I am grieving. I am grieving what is lost, grieving what was, and grieving what will never be. I also learned that the anger was harming me more than it was the other person. I had an open wound that they brushed against, and I responded in anger and anguish. Yet, it was my wound, it did not affect them as much as it did me. So, when it was addressed, and settled, my choice to remain angry and act out was that: my choice. I was choosing to continue to press my own wound.
I no longer allow anger to rule over me. I prefer to choose love. I will always choose curiosity and seeking to understand over anger. Although, being a reformed people pleaser, I also no longer tolerate unacceptable behavior when a boundary has been crossed. It is perfectly reasonable and acceptable for me to set a boundary when I feel uncomfortable. If someone chooses to punish me for that, I cannot control what other people do, I can only control how I choose to respond. For myself, I choose to lovingly let them be and remove myself. I wish them no ill will nor would I wish for them to endure any suffering. I would only wish that they eventually meet the person who is in the space to meet them where they need to be met. However, that person is not me.
2022, I learned a lot about myself. Daily, moment by moment, I had to engage with someone who was cruel. It was not intentional. They had a traumatic brain injury. Their frontal lobe was the worst affected – their insight was incredibly damaged. I had the option to match the anger but, who would do that? Who would be cruel to an injured person? Despite their cruelty, I continued to respond with love. Reminding them of their injury and how it was affecting their ability to interpret facial expressions and the ability to understand people’s meaning and intentions. They were scared, they needed to feel safe. I was determined to do what I could to offer that. As I said previously, with all choices come consequences. The consequence was five months later, I was completely burnt out. I nearly lost my place on my course, I was put on sick leave from work, and I had no idea who I was anymore. I forgot how I soothed myself, what I did for pleasure or to relieve and ease my stress. Thankfully, I had all the right tools in place and supportive people surrounding me. I impulse bought a puppy to train as a therapy dog for myself, and it became a therapy dog for that person instead. I have no regrets. When under stress, duress, and intense pressure…I still chose love.
Despite what people may think about me, it does not matter. I know myself. I am so grateful for the experience because, without it, I would not have had the opportunity to learn about myself completely. So, on this “love day,” may you know that you are all you will ever need. You are more than enough. If saying, “I love you,” to yourself in the mirror, and really meaning it is a challenge, I offer you the opportunity to ask yourself why. I found in loving the parts of me I liked the least, I was able to make room for growth. In cherishing myself, I have found it easier to cherish others, in all stages of their lives and emotional journeys.
May you feel the love that radiates from within you every day.
With love,
M x